Foreword...................................................................................….....……………………………................1
1 - The Meaning of
Marriage..............................…………………………………....................................2
Two
become One ........................................……………………………………...........................................2
Joint
Heirs of Eternal Life..................................……………………………………....................................3
One
Flesh ...........................................…………….……………………......................................................3
Godly
Children.........................................……………………………………..............................................4
The
Place of Sex ............................................…………………………………..........................................5
Importance
of Communication .............................……………………………………...............................6
2 - Preparing for Marriage ...................………………………………....................................................7
3-Courtship.................................................………………………………................................................9
Must
not involve Immorality..........…………………………………….....................................................9
Warning
about AIDS
........……………………………………..................................................................10
Choosing
a Wife........................................……………………………………...........................................11
A
Gift from God.........................................……………………………………..........................................12
The
Lesson of
Isaac..................……………………………………...........................................................12
A
Lesson for Sisters ........…….……………………………......................................................................13
No
Second
Chance..............……………………………………................................................................14
4- The Duties of Wives......................…………………………………....................................................14
The
Good Wife
..............................……………………………………......................................................15
New
Testament
Teaching..........………………………………………........................................................15
Good
Wives and Bad Husbands .....……………………………………...................................................16
Inward
Beauty ....................…………………………………..................................................................17
Helping
with the Ministry of the Word ……………………………………..............................................17
5 - The Duties of Husbands
..................................……………………………………….......................18
Good
Husbands and Bad Wives .......................................……………………………………................19
Providing
for the Family
............................……………………………………......................................19
6 - Birth Control and Barrenness
......................……………………………………............................20
Birth
Control....................................................…………………………………....................................20
Abortion
..............................................................…………………………………...................................21
Barrenness…………………………………………………………………………………………..21
7. Bringing up Children ………………………………………………………………………….22
The
Duties of fathers……………………………………………………………………………….23
The
way to Punish a Child………………………………………………………………………….23
The
duties of Mothers ......………………………………………………………………………….24
The
family’s daily time with God ............ ....................
...........…………………………………....24
Grandparents………………………………………………………………….......................…....
...26
Widowhood
…………………………………………………………………………………………27
Some practical problems…………………………………………………………………………..27
8. Polygamy
When a polygamist
is converted.………….…………………………………………………............ 27
9. Divorce
Important Note
about AIDS…..……………………………………………..................... ..................28
10. Bride Price…………………………………………… ... ..........
................ ...….........................30
11 - A Final Word………………………………………………………….........…...........................33
Appendix
1 - Some Husbands' Problems ………………………………………………..................34
Appendix
2 - Some Wives’ Problems………………………………………………….....................37
Appendix
3 - Some Parents' Problems……………………………………............. ........................
38
Appendix
4 - Some Problems arising from Bride Price......………………………………...............40
Appendix
5 Rules for the Sexual Behaviour of Christadelphians………………………….………..41
The
lesson is for us all………………………………………….......... ..... ............
..........................42
The
Door of Hope ................... ....................…………………………………………..........
.......... 43
Index.
…………………………………………………………………………………………..........44
Foreword
THE
Christadelphian Bible Mission has used the following booklets, particularly in
Africa, as the standard guides on the subject of Christian marriage and
behaviour:
*
Christian Marriage in an African Setting by Alan Hayward
*
Christian Marriage by Alan and Mary Eyre
*
Rules for the Sex Life of Christadelphians
Unfortunately,
these all need reprinting and so we were asked by CBM to produce one booklet
combining the subject matter of these three. However, although there was
inevitably duplication of many subjects, there was no mention of the
devastating effect of AIDS, because this was not recognised until 1981, which
was after the above books were written. We were indebted to Dr Stephen Palmer
for his booklet, AIDS - Bible Answers to Today's Questions for our information
in this respect. We also used A New Creation by George Booker in some of the
relevant chapters. Various other sources were used for background knowledge
relating to the cultural problems of Africa.
We
give our grateful thanks to Mark Whittaker and the members of the reading
committee and CBM Council for their many corrections and suggestions for
improvements in the text.
We
have acted mainly as editors rather than authors and although this booklet is
primarily for Africa, we hope it will have a wider appeal because everything
included has a scriptural basis. The New International Version has been used
throughout.
Paul
and Elisabeth Genders January 2003
1 - The Meaning of Marriage
This
booklet is written to guide Christadelphians - both men and women - about
marriage. If you are already married, it will show you how to get the best out
of your marriage and keep free from sin. If you are a young man it will guide
you in choosing a wife, and if you are a young woman it will help you to recognise
the kind of man that is suitable for you to marry.
In
this first chapter we shall find out what marriage is all about.
*
Marriage is the union, that is, the joining together, of one man and one woman.
They become "one flesh" for the rest of their lives.
*
A husband and his wife should be partners, helping one another along the way to
God's kingdom.
*
A Christian marriage should be happy and permanent. Then the children can be
brought up to serve God faithfully.
*
Sex between a man and his wife should be a great blessing to them both. But sex
outside marriage is a great evil.
*
Good communication between husband and wife is essential in a happy marriage.
There
was a time when the Pharisees came to the Lord Jesus and asked him a question
about marriage. His answer was:
'"Haven't
you read ... that at the beginning the Creator "made them male and
female", and said, "For this reason a man will leave his father and
mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?" So
they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let
man not separate.'" (Matthew
19:4-6)
Notice
how Jesus began his answer. "Haven't you read ...?" As much as to
say, "The answer to this question is in the same place as the answer to all
the most important questions in life - in the Bible. Why don't you look there
for it?"
The
passage that Jesus was referring to is in the book of Genesis. It reads like
this:
"The
LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper
suitable for him' ... So the LORD God caused the man to tail into a deep sleep;
and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the
place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out
of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, 'This is now bone of my
bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called "woman", for she was
taken out of man'. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and
be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." (Genesis
2:18,21-24) We can learn a great deal by thinking deeply about these two
passages of scripture.
First,
we see from the words of Jesus what marriage is intended to be. It is the
joining together of two people to become one. God intends that this joining, or
'union', of a man and woman in marriage should last as long as they both remain
alive. The marriage union is ordained by God. Therefore what God has joined
together must not be separated (or broken) by man or by woman.
So now we can give a definition of marriage, as God intends it to be: marriage is a union of one man and one woman for a lifetime.
Joint Heirs of Eternal Life
Suppose
we ask the question, "What is a wife for?" One man might say,
"To bear children and bring them up". Another might say, "To
cook, and keep the house clean". A third might say, "To give her
husband sexual pleasure". But none of these answers is the right one. They
all mention secondary reasons for having a wife. The main reason for having a
wife is greater than any of these. The passage from Genesis explains it like
this: God did not want man to go through life alone, so He created a wife to be
a helper for him.
Don't
misunderstand the word "helper". It does not mean that a wife is just
intended to be a servant to cook a man's meals, to give a man sexual pleasure,
and to bear his children and bring them up. It means much more than that.
This
is how the Apostle Peter told husbands to regard their wives:
"Husbands,
in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with
respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of
life". (1 Peter 3:7)
So
a Christian's wife is to be respected. She is very, very much more than a
servant. She is his fellow heir of eternal life. She is someone to stand beside
her husband so that together they form a team, helping each other through life
towards God's everlasting kingdom.
God
made Adam out of the dust of the ground. But He did not make Eve out of a
second heap of dust. He made her from a rib that was taken from her husband.
For this reason Adam and Eve were truly one flesh.
Since
then women have not been made from the same piece of flesh and bone as their
husbands, of course. But nevertheless, husbands and wives are still supposed to
act as if they were. This is how the Apostle Paul sums up how husbands and
wives should be in the Lord:
"Wives,
submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife
as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now
as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands
in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and
gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with
water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without
stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same
way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. Lie who loves his
wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and
cares for it, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body.
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,
and the two will become one flesh." (Ephesians
5:22-31)
So
a husband must think of his wife as being part of himself. Is he ever unkind to
his wife? Because, it so, he is really being unkind to his own body! Is a wife
ever unfaithful to her husband? Because, if so, she is really being unfaithful
to herself!
Marriage
is intended to be a living parable of the relationship of Christ and the
church. It ought to be the ideal of every marriage to reflect this relationship
of Christ to the ecclesia in the love and respect between husband and wire.
Even though Christ was the head of the disciples, he showed his love to them by
washing their feet. So the man should show he is the head by similar service,
rather than by asserting himself.
All
this follows from Paul's explanation of what it means to be one flesh. But this
is no! the whole story. The prophet Malachi gives another reason why God has
made every wife to be one flesh with her husband:
1.
"She is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
2.
Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his.
3.
And why one?
4.
Because he was seeking godly offspring.
5.
So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your
youth.
6.
“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel." (Malachi 2:14-16)
Malachi's
words are not easy to follow. So here is an explanation of this passage,
sentence by sentence. Numbers are used to show which sentence is being
explained:
1.
Your wife is supposed to be your good friend and partner. You should be
faithful to her because you made a solemn promise (a covenant) when you took
her to be your wife.
2.
Now remember the teaching of Genesis 2. God made Eve out of Adam's side, so
that they were one flesh. He did not have to do it that way; He could have
created Eve in the same way as He created Adam.
3.
Then why did God do it the way He did'' why did He take Eve out of Adam's side,
and thus make the man and his wife one flesh?
4.
He did it for the sake of the children. God wanted a godly seed -that is,
God-fearing children. So God commands that husband and wife should stay
together for life, as one flesh that must never be separated, so as to provide
a good home where their children can learn to serve God.
5.
Therefore every husband must be faithful to his wife, all his life.
6.
God hates men who put away their wives and take new wives. This is very wicked,
because it goes against God's law of marriage.
Whenever
a man and a woman have sex together they become one flesh (1 Corinthians 6:16).
This is why a man is forbidden to have sex with anyone except his wife, and a
woman must not have sex wish anyone except her husband.
God's
law says that two people may become one flesh - but only two. Before a man or a
woman marry, they must not have sex with anyone at all. After marriage they
must not have sex with anyone except their wife or husband.
People
who break God's laws about sex are called fornicators, or adulterers.
(Fornication means any kind of unlawful sex: adultery means unlawful sex by a
married person.) Those who continue to commit fornication or adultery will not
inherit the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:9,10), See also Appendix 5.
The
Bible likens sex to fire (Proverbs 6:27-29). Like fire, sex is one of God's
great gifts to mankind. If we use it lawfully, it can bring us much happiness.
Sex between a man and his wife can bring great joy and comfort to them both.
But
sex that is used unlawfully is like fire that is out of control. It is a raging
force of destruction. It breaks up marriages, causes the birth of unwanted
children, and spreads horrible diseases like AIDS. Worst of all, it will cause
those who behave like this to be rejected from God's kingdom.
Like
fire, sex must be kept in its proper place. And the only right place for sex is
within marriage. As Paul says, briefly but powerfully:
"Flee
from sexual immorality," (1
Corinthians 6:18)
And
as Solomon says:
"May
your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A
loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever
be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why
embrace the bosom of another man's wife? For a man's ways are in full view of
the LORD, and He examines all his paths." (Proverbs
5:18-21)
Communication
means talking to and listening to each other. The way we say things, and how we
act with our bodies is a vital part of this communication When two believers
are married they know they are joined together they know that Jesus said:
"So
they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let
man not separate." (Matthew
19:6)
This
joining starts to show in their feelings for each other - how they can please
each other - and is then expressed in words as they talk together and start to
help each other. They communicate with their eyes, their smiles (or scowls),
and then by touch to show how much they care. Finally, married couples communicate
by having sexual intercourse. This is not just for having children; it is a way
of talking and saying how much they love and care for each other.
Believers'
marriages must be based on the solid foundation of the Lord Jesus Christ, on
what he has done for us and on our united commitment lo him. If possible try to
read from the daily Bible readings together, and allow time for quiet talk,
meditation and prayer together. All tins helps to strengthen a marriage.
When
talking together, husbands and wives should be kind and polite, remembering to
say 'thank you', and not taking each other for granted, it is important to
praise good points, acknowledging them to each other and to other people
We
must remember three important phrases:
*
I love you
*
I am sorry
*
I forgive you
All
marriages have their ups and downs and we must prayerfully work at our
relationship together. We must not give up at the first disagreement or
problem. It is a lifetime's work but it brings many blessings.
Finally,
if we can memorise the following words of Paul and put them into practice, our
marriages should grow into a wonderful and godly relationship:
"Love
is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no
record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It
always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never
fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
2 - Preparing for Marriage
Long
before considering marriage, young Christadelphians should have resolved in their
own minds that if and when they get married it would only be to another
Christadelphian. The Bible abounds in warnings against marriages to those
having other beliefs or no Christian beliefs at all.
It
is very significant that right in the beginning of human history it is recorded
that -
"When
men began to increase in number on the earth and daughters were born to them,
the sons of God saw that the daughters of men were beautiful, and they married
any of them they chose." (Genesis 6:1,2)
Those
called "the sons of God" were the descendants of Adam through Seth,
who began to call on the name of the Lord (Genesis 4:26). In contrast, the
daughters of men had no interest in worshipping God and the resulting
wickedness brought the terrible judgement of God upon the earth by the Flood
(Genesis 6 & 7).
Other
examples are Abraham and Isaac, who opposed their sons' marriages with the
heathen Canaanites (Genesis 24:3,4; 28:1,2). The Law of Moses forbade the
Israelites to have anything to do with the heathen Canaanite nations or to take
their daughters as wives (Exodus 34:15,16). Moses specifically forbade the
children of Israel to intermarry with the foreign nations around them
(Deuteronomy 7:3,4). Joshua reinforced the same message (Joshua 23:12,13). King
Solomon's foreign wives turned his heart away from God (1 Kings 11:1 11). Ezra
(Ezra 9:1,2,12) and Nehemiah (Nehemiah 13:23-27) met the same problem and spoke
of the evil of these alliances. It would be good to look up all these
references.
In the New Testament Paul makes it very clear that a believer is not free
to marry an unbeliever:
'Do
not be yoked together with unbelievers for what do righteousness and wickedness
have in common? Or what fellowship can in light have with darkness? What harmony
is there between Christ and Belial. What does a believer have in common with an
unbeliever"' (2
Corinthians 6:14-15)
"A
woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she
is tree to many anyone she wishes, but he must belong to me Lord." (1
Corinthians 7:39)
So
those who are thinking about marriage must remember that complete fulfilment
can only be achieved when both partners belong to the Lord. Where there is no
unity of thought, belief or purpose, a marriage has no real foundation. It is not
surprising that so many such marriages become just two people living together
or they break down completely.
True
followers of Christ must always keep two things clear and firm in their minds.
The first is that whoever has not obeyed the Gospel is still in darkness in
God's sight. This is His judgment, not ours. So, however charming, tender, kind
and gentle a person may be, he (or she) is in darkness until the Gospel has
been obeyed. God wants all these attributes in a person, but they must be the
qualities of a person who has shown obedience to Him.
The
second fact that needs to be clear in our mind is that God has called us out or
darkness into His wonderful light (1 Peter 2:9). The extent of this light
includes the knowledge of God and his Son, the awareness of His kindness and
severity, and the revelation of His Gospel. God called us to this light and we
obeyed His call and in doing so took on a serious responsibility. This is not
something we do lightly. Paul says that indignation and wrath will come on
those who do not obey the Truth (Romans 2:8).
This
call of God must be kept firmly in mind, for our eternal future depends upon
our faithfulness to it. Thus our loyalty to God and to Jesus must come first,
if our faith is a real faith - and this includes our friendships and our
marriage partner Jesus was very clear about this when he said:
'
Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: anyone who
loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:37)
Obviously,
we must each love our own close relatives but we must not allow this love to
come above our love for Jesus. Otherwise why are we waiting for his second
coming and for all the great things promised in his coming kingdom?
This
must be remembered, particularly in Africa where family and extended family can
exert strong pressure in regard to marriage and family matters. It we are in
Christ then we must obey him if our family wants us to do something which is
against his commands like marrying someone who does not share our faith – then
we have to resist family pressure for the sake of obeying our Lord our own
spiritual well-being. As we have already said in Chapter 1, in marriage we form
a team with our partner, helping each other through life towards God's kingdom.
This cannot happen it we marry an unbeliever because our family wanted us to!
3 - Courtship
Must not involve Immorality
Corinth
was a very wicked city not unlike most cities today. The letters Paul wrote to the converts then, give much valuable
help to us today. In the first of these he sets out seven reasons why believers
should avoid, or flee from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18).
1. The immoral will be excluded from the kingdom of God
"Do you not know that the wicked will
not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually
immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers… will inherit the kingdom of God.”
(1Corinthians 6:9-10, See also Galatians 5:19-21)
2. You were separated from immorality at baptism:
“But
you were washed you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord
Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 6:11)
3. Your body belongs to the Lord. Therefore you are not free to do as
you wish with your body:
“The
body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the
body.” (1Corinthians 6:13)
4. The body will be the subject of a future resurrection:
“By
his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also” (1
Corinthians 6:14)
5. Your body is a member of Christ.
"Do
you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite
them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a
prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, The two will become one
flesh. But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit." (1 Corinthians 6:15-17)
6. Immoral unions violate the oneness with Christ.
The
believer is one with the Lord in spirit, meaning there is a unity in thinking and
attitude. You cannot be as one with the Lord in spirit and also of one flesh
with an immoral person.
7. Fornication is a sin against one's own body:
"All
other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins
against ins own body." (1
Corinthians 6:18)
8. You are not your own:
"You
are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your
body." (1Corinthians
6:19,20)
The
world around us thinks nothing of having sexual relations before marriage.
Indeed, how can it when it tolerates or encourages intercourse between those
who have no intention to marry? But it should not be so among true Bible
believers. Intercourse is intended only for those already married and is an
expression of heart and mind between a married couple. Sexual relations before
marriage destroy the proper joy of marriage.
Casual
sex, apart from being wholly unchristian and loose, makes nonsense of the
sanctity of the marriage bond and encourages unfaithfulness after marriage.
Right behaviour begins in the mind. Christian behaviour follows the precepts of
Christ.
AIDS
(Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) is a terrible disease causing death
within a few years. It is widespread in Africa and increasing at an alarming
rate. It is spread mainly by sexual intercourse with an infected person.
The
AIDS virus only passes from one person to another when body fluids carrying the
virus pass from an infected individual into the body of another, (here are
three main ways in which this occurs:
• By sexual
intercourse.
• By sharing
blood, either from intravenous needles which are contaminated with blood, blood
transfusions or blood products
• by mother to
baby in the womb or at birth.
If
there is any doubt that your proposed marriage partner may be infected by AIDS
by any of the above three ways it would be prudent for both of you to have an
AIDS test. by both having the test you avoid embarrassment and will not appear
to be judging one another. If either of the results of the test is positive, it
would be prudent to call off any plans to marry the infected person.
A
person who marries someone infected with. AIDS will almost certainly become
infected themselves with ail its very bad consequence. If any children are born
they too will be HIV positive, meaning that they will be carriers of the AIDS
virus though not suffering from fully developed AIDS; this will come later. So
you see that immoral behaviour, apart from being against God's laws, can now
bring about its own punishment through this terrible disease. Unfortunately,
many innocent people are also affected, for example, babies who have been
infected from their mothers, or those who have been raped by an infected
person.
(There
is more about the effect of AIDS in chapter 9 on "Divorce".)
For
obvious reasons, this section is addressed to brothers, but sisters ought to
read it too. There is a special word for them at the end of the chapter.
A
brother generally has only one opportunity to find a wife for himself. Once he
has taken a wife he must stay with her always. If he makes a wrong choice he
may have to pay for his mistake by being unhappy for the rest of his life.
The
Bible often warns us of this. Here are three such passages:
“Better
to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife ..
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife."
(Proverbs 21:9, 19)
"Like
a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.”
(Proverbs 11:22)
“Charm
is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be
praised.'' (Proverbs 31:30)
All
over the world men admire beautiful women. In countries where a bride price has
to be paid, a woman's beauty often determines her price. After all, it is a
very natural thing for a man to want a beautiful wife.
Natural,
yes, but also dangerous. If a man is concerned only with a woman's beauty, he
may find himself married to an unsuitable wife.
Look
back at the three Proverbs quoted above.
The first tells us that life with the wrong sort of wife can be very
miserable. The last two fell us that beauty alone is not enough; what really
matters is that a woman should have discretion (that is, good judgement) and
respect the Lord.
Obviously,
a brother must choose a wife with great care. There is another Proverb that
speaks like this:
"Houses
and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the
LORD." (Proverbs
19:14)
There
is a very important lesson in that verse. We can inherit worldly riches from
our fathers (or we may earn them for ourselves). But we cannot find a really
good wife by our own efforts. Only God can provide us with the right wife.
This
message should not surprise us. After all, scripture tells us to let
God
guide us in all the important parts of life. For example, we read: "In all
your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:6)
King
David is a good example to us in this matter. He said to God:
"Yet
1 am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your
counsel." (Psalm 73:23,24)
We
should try to live as David did, holding hands with God, so to speak. If we read the Bible eagerly every day, and pray to God frequently,
He will direct our lives. He will watch all the important decisions we make, and
help us to choose wisely. Above all, He will help us to choose the right wife.
But we must pray to Him earnestly about our need for a wife. And we must be
guided in this matter by His word, and especially by one great chapter: Genesis
24.
Genesis
24 tells us how Abraham found the right wife for his son, Isaac. If you are
concerned about finding a wife for yourself (or for your son) you should read
it carefully, two or three times. Pray about it. Then write down the lessons
you have learnt from it.
We
suggest that you do this now, before reading any more of this booklet. Lessons
that we learn direct from our own Bible reading will always help us more than
the same lessons written in a book. Try this now. Put down this booklet and
pick up your Bible. Ask God to bless your reading, and then read Genesis 24 at
least twice. Finally, write clown the lessons this chapter teaches us. When you
have completed this exercise, you might like to compare your own list of
lessons with this list:
1.
Good fathers should be like Abraham. We, too, should take a great interest in
the well-being of our children (verses 1-9),
2.
Believers ought not to marry unbelievers (verse 3).
3.
We must be willing to take a great deal of trouble to find a suitable wife. Abraham's
servant had to make a journey that would have lasted several weeks (verse 4).
4.
We must trust in God, and believe that His angels provide the answer to our
prayers (verse 7).
5.
But notice that Abraham's servant did not leave it all to God. He used his
common sense, and took with him everything he might expect to need in his
search. We, likewise, must not be ia/v We must co-operate with God, and do
everything possible ourselves (verse 10).
6.
Whenever we are in doubt we must pray for God's guidance (verse 12).
7.
Abraham's servant was very wise. He did not soy, "Let the most beautiful
woman be the one 1 want." He asked that the chosen woman should be the one
who rras the ino$t kind and generous. If we are wise, we also shall choose a
wife because of her character, and not because of her bodily beautv (verse 14).
8.
God answered the good man's prayer and provided a very faithful young woman. If
we trust Him, He will do the same for us (verses 15-27,58-61).
9.
She became a wife who was a comfort to Isaac: he loved her. We, too, can expect
to find happiness and love if we let God choose the-right wife for us (verse
67).
There
is also a special lesson in Genesis 24 for young sisters, and for their
parents.
Rebekah's
father and brother said that she could go away with the servant, and become
Isaac's wife, they said this without consulting Rebekah herself. Fortunately,
Rebekah's mother seems to have been more considerate. She and her son asked
Rebekah if she was willing to go, and only when Rebekah said 'Yes' did they
send her away (Genesis 24:55-58)
This
teaches us that every young woman should be given the chance to say either
'Yes' or 'No' when a marriage is proposed. A girl should not be pushed into a
marriage when she is too young to know her own mind. A woman should never be
forced to marry a man against her will.
When
a man asks to marry a young sister, she should not be too quick to agree.
First, she should pray for God to help her make the right decision, She should
ask herself many questions about him. Is he a brother in Christ? Is he sincere
about his religion? Is he a good man and kind? Doer, he want to read the Bible
with me and talk to me about it? Will he help me to get into the kingdom of
God? Or will he hold me back?
From
questions like these, and from her prayers, the sister will learn what God
wants her to do. If sine concludes that God wants her to say 'Yes', like
Rebekah, then she should, marry the man and be a good wife to him. But if not,
then she must follow God's guidance and say, 'No'.
Every
brother choosing a wire, and every sister who accepts a brother who wants to
marry 'her, must remember this: according to God's law, marriage is for life.
If
you choose the wrong partner you will have to face the consequence' of your
great mistake. Happy or unhappy, you must stay with her (or him) for the rest
of your days. That is why you must be sure to choose wisely the first time.
God
does not offer us a second chance.
WE
have already seen that woman was created to be a helper to her husband: not a
servant; not just someone to help with the children, the house and the garden;
but a helper in Christ - someone to help her man towards God's kingdom.
This
is how the New Testament describes the duties of wives: "Wives, submit to
your husbands as to the Lord For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ
is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the
church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in
everything."
(Ephesians 5:22-24)
Notice
how often the Lord Jesus Christ is mentioned in this short passage - four times
in a few lines!
This
shows us what marriage is meant to be like. Christ should be there, all the time.
He should be at the centre of every Christian marriage.
Christ
is the real head of the house. The husband has some authority because lie is
Christ's servant. "The wife must be subject to her husband, because her
husband is subject to Christ.
Every
sister should be familiar with Proverbs 31:10-31, which says what a good wife
is like. Many sisters have learnt this passage by heart, because it is so
valuable. Here are some of its verses:
"A
wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her
husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him
good, not harm, all the days or her life. She selects wool and flax and works
with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and
portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it: out of her
earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are
strong for her tasks." (Proverbs
31:10-17)
This
shows that the good wife is a hard working wife. She does main things to make
sure her husband and her children are well cared for.
But
this is only the beginning. She is not only concerned about the bodies of her
husband and children, but also about their hearts, as verse 26 shows:
"She
speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”
So
we see that she is also a teacher of God's ways. She has wisdom, that is, she
knows well the message of the Bible. Thus she is able to be a teacher of the
true Gospel of the kingdom of God to her household, and to others. She provides
spiritual food as well as ordinary food.
Paul
describes the good wife like this:
"Train
the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled
and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their
husbands." (Titus
2:43)
You
will notice that Paul begins by telling the young wives to love their husbands.
It is not enough for a wife to be submissive, to her husband if she secretly
hates him~ She must try to love him – even if he does not seem to love her (see
next section - "Good Wives and Bad Husbands").
Now
look at the other words he uses to describe the good wife-
• Self-controlled. She takes her responsibilities
seriously so that her husband can always rely upon her. She is self-controlled
and sensible about the house, in bringing up her children, and in her attitude
to the Gospel too.
• Pure. She does not start friendships with other men - not even small friendships
that might seem harmless. Remember that small friendships with men can easily
grow into big friendships, and big friendships can easily lead to adultery.
• Busy
at home. This means a good house worker. The good
wife does not neglect her work at home and go around the village amusing
herself. She does all that she should do, and does it at the right time.
• Kind. The good wife follows the commandments of Christ. She is kind to
everybody: to her husband, her children, to members of her own family and her
husband's family, and to anybody in need or in trouble.
It
should make no difference whether a husband is good to his wife or not. A wife
must still try to love her husband, even if he is unkind to her. There are some
good sisters who have a very difficult life. They are married to bad husbands,
men who do not serve the Lord Jesus. They may have learnt the Truth when their
husbands would not believe it. They have been baptized into Christ, despite
their husbands. What should such a sister do? The Bible teacher that she must
not take the easy way out, and run away. She must stay with her husband, unless
and until he decides to put her away. This is what it says:
"And
if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with
her, she must not divorce him ... But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so.” (1
Corinthians 7:13,15)
"Wives,
in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not
believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their
wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. (1 Peter 3:1,2)
Those
words of Peter are very comforting to wives who are badly treated by their
husbands. Peter says that bad husbands may change their way when their wives
set them a good Christian example.
If
you, sister, are in this unhappy condition, take courage. Try to obey God's,
commands, and He will bless you. Ask God to help you to love your ungodly
husband. Perhaps God will cause your husband to be changed by your good
example. Perhaps your husband will one day make life easier for you.
One
thing you can be sure of. God will not allow you to be tried more than you can
bear. He promises that (see Romans 8:28 and 1 Corinthians 10:13)
In
a passage we have just looked at Peter goes on to say:
"Your
beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the
wearing of gold jewellery and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your
inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great
worth in God's sight. (1
Peter 3:3,4)
This
does not mean that it is wrong for a wife to make herself look attractive. Part
of a wife's duty to her husband and to Christ is to keep herself (and her
children) looking clean and properly dressed.
Peter's
concern was with those sisters who took too much interest in their appearance.
There are many women like that today. The most important thing in their lives
is beauty. They only seem to think about their faces, their hair, their
clothing, and their jewels. This, says Peter, is all wrong. Real beauty - the
beauty that God sees - is the inward beauty of a good character.
Christian
wives should realise this. They should put their biggest effort into making
their hearts (their inner selves) beautiful. After that, they can spend a
little time improving their outward appearance. But the inward beauty of a
Christlike character is what matters most. A beautiful character is much more
precious than a beautiful face.
God
does not allow women to teach in the church. This is because woman was created
to be man's helper, not his leader (See 1 Timothy 2:11-14). The silence of the
sisters in the ecclesia is a reminder that when Eve told Adam about the forbidden
fruit, it led to sin and death. The breaking of bread meeting, in particular,
is a meeting in which there are symbols. The bread and the wine are symbols.
The quiet behaviour of the sisters is a reminder to both brothers and sisters
that all must submit to, and obey, the word of God (I Corinthians 14:33-35).
For
the same reasons, sisters must wear a head-covering, for this shows that they
accept the authority of Christ, the head of the man. Christ is at the centre of
the meetings of the ecclesia. Even if there are things that are hard to
understand, we must do what the Bible teaches in order to show our love for,
and submission to, God in Christ (I Corinthians 11:2-16).
Nevertheless,
a wife is allowed to help her husband with his work as a teacher of the Gospel
in many ways - by supporting and encouraging his efforts in practical ways, by
helping him in searching and understanding God's word, and by praying for him.
She can teach her friends and neighbours about the wonderful message of the
Bible. If she is blessed with children she has a special responsibility and
opportunity to teach them faithfully about the true Gospel. She can try to
manage the household's arrangements so that it is possible to do the daily
Bible readings together and to pray together at mealtimes and other times. She
can help to ensure that meals and other activities are organised so that all
the family can attend the meeting; In this way she can become a true
"mother in Israel". (Judges 5:7)
5 - The Duties of Husbands
It
is very difficult indeed to be a truly Christlike husband. Christian wives are
told to take Abraham's wife, Sarah, as their example (1 Peter 3:5,6). But
Christian husbands are encouraged to take their example from the Lord Jesus
Christ himself!
"Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to
make her holy ... In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their
own bodies." (Ephesians 5:25,28)
It
is a pity that many people use the word love in a wrong way. They use it to
mean 'have sex with' This, of course, is not the way the Bible uses it. In the
Bible, 'to love' means to be unselfish arid very kind to somebody
The
passage quoted above tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the
church, it goes on to remind us that Christ died to save his church- So
husbands must be willing, if necessary, to lay down their lives for their
wives.
We
must also remember that Christ did not act like a big boss to his disciples
Once he took water and a towel and washed their feet. When he had finished, he
said:
''You
call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord', and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that
1, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one
another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as 1 have done for
you." (John
13:13-15)
This
shows how a husband should treat his wife. He should be her teacher and lord.
Nevertheless, he must not treat her like a servant. He must honour her, and do
many (or different) kind things for her, of which washing the feet is only one
example. He must be the servant, for "the greatest among you will be your
servant" (Matthew 23:11).
The
husband must also be concerned about his wife's eternal well-being. He must do
everything in his power to help her reach the kingdom of Clod. When she needs
help with her Bible readings, her prayers. or any other part of her religious
Site, her husband should be quick to provide that help.
If
a man has a good wife he will not lose out by treating her m this truly
Christian way.
It
should make no difference to a husband whether his wife is good to him or not.
A husband must still try and iove his wife, even if she has betrayed him. Jesus
washed the feet of Judas, the traitor. So we. too. must trv to iove those who
hate us (see Matthew 5:43-48).
Sometimes
faithful husbands do find that their bad wives have a change of heart, but we
cannot always expect this to happen. As Paul says:
"How
do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?'' (1 Corinthians 7:16)
The
fact is, a husband can never know whether or not his good example will save his
wife. All lie can do is to trv to save her, and pray that God will help him.
A
rebellious wife may laugh when her husband first starts to treat her kindly.
She may think he is weak, or foolish, but he should not despair. Men thought
things like that about Jesus Christ.
If
you are a husband in this unhappy position, take courage. God knows how
difficult your life is and He is pleased with your efforts to love your wife.
Be patient. Sometimes it has taken many years before a wife has at last
responded to her husband's Christlike love.
Some
men are naturally lazy. They leave their wives to grow food in their gardens,
or to earn money by trading, while they themselves do nothing. This is not
God's way. The Bible says very clearly that it is husband's duty to provide for
the needs of his family.
It
was Adam, not Eve, who was told to till the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2:15).
After they were driven out of Eden, it was Adam again, not Eve who was told he
must sweat as he tilled the ground (Genesis 3:19)
In
the New Testament, Christian Husbands are warned:
"If
anyone does not provide for his relatives and especially for his immediate
family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." (1
Timothy 5:8)
If
a brother's wife helps him in the garden, or does a little trading, this is
right and good. But what she grows, or earns, should be regarded as something
extra that will give the family a few luxuries. It is the husband's
responsibility to provide all the basic needs of the family.
The
husband must not try to escape this responsibility. Only when he is ill and
unable to work is it right for him to let his wife become the provider.
6 - Birth Control and Barrenness
Birth Control
This
is something that really should be discussed by couples before they get
married. What does the Bible say about it?
The
only direct mention of the subject in the Bible is in Genesis 38:9, where Onan
is said to have used a primitive (but fairly effective) method of birth
control. This shows that the practice was known to the Jews. Now we must
remember that God clearly condemned every form of sexual sin in the Law of
Moses (see Deuteronomy 27:20-23, for example). If birth control were a sin,
surely God would have forbidden it in the Law.
Onan
died, but this does not prove that birth control is wrong for us, just as the
story of the man who gathered sticks does not prove that gathering firewood is
wrong for us (Numbers 15:32-35). Onan died because he should have been raising
up offspring for his dead brother, but chose deliberately to disobey God's law
(Genesis 38:8). Birth control was wrong for him in his circumstances, but not
necessarily for anyone else.
There
is nothing in the Bible that condemns the wise and unselfish use of some of the
methods of birth control. Obviously we must avoid those methods that may be
harmful to our health or involve the use of dangerous drugs or implants.
Paul
talks about sexual relations between married couples in 1 Corinthians 7:3,5.
Husbands and wives must satisfy their partner's reasonable sexual needs.
Therefore the most satisfactory methods of birth control are those that allow a
married couple to follow Paul's teaching and at the same time allow them to
limit their family sensibly.
There
are different methods of birth control - some work better for some people than
others. The couple, along with the midwife, health worker or doctor should
discuss which methods are available and which are likely to be best for them.
Differences in effectiveness, safety, convenience, availability, and cost
should be considered. Husbands and wives should decide together and share the responsibility.
If
is clearly not right to bring children into the world if we cannot support
them, as the words of Paul in 1 Timothy 5:8 clearly show.
Christadelphian
parents should set a good example, and if possible have only as many children
as they can well provide for. In some African countries the government provides
a birth control service at very little cost or free of charge, and asks people
to use it. Many brothers and sisters will agree that we ought to use these
services and limit our families to a reasonable size. We are, of course, only
talking about birth control within marriage.
There
is a helpful chapter on the medical aspect of birth control in the book ‘Where
there is No Doctor’.
This
should not be an option for sisters in Christ under almost all circumstances,
because:
a)
Conception is given by God (Hebrews 11:11; Ruth 4:13).
b)
He oversees the development of the child in the womb (Psalm 139:13-16).
c)
God is there at birth (Psalm 22:9; 71:6; Galatians 1:15).
d)
The child is an inheritance from Him (Psalm 127:3). We must not destroy this
little life.
The
usual requirement for an abortion is to do away with an unwanted pregnancy and
this is wrong for all the above reasons. However, there may be medical
exceptions where, for example, a mother's life may be at risk clue to damage in
her foetus or womb. Such cases should be made a matter of prayer, and husbands
and wives should decide together the right course of action in conjunction with
their doctor and according to their own consciences.
Sadly,
it does sometimes happen that a married couple cannot have children. There may
be a problem with the man's bock or with the woman's that prevents conception.
Sometimes things can be put right medically, but other times we just have to
accept the fact that we are not able to have children.
We
know that in Africa this can be a major problem and husband-even divorce their
wives because of it. This must not be so in the Lord. We know that children are
a gift of God, but we also know that God is in control of our lives it we are
in Christ. We have to accept that God. knows what is best for us and for our
spiritual development, and it we are unable to have children we must learn how
to fill our lives in positive service to Him in other ways. The following are
some suggestions:
a)
If we do not have children to care for, we should have extra time-to be more
active and caring to members of our ecclesia.
b)
We can help and support others in the same position and show that having babies
is not the only thing that makes a woman or a couple worthwhile.
c)
We may be able to care for or adopt children who are orphans.
7 Bringing up
Children
We
have already looked at the prophet Malachi's teaching about marriage. He said
that i^ main purpose was for godly children to be raised.
In
this chapter we shall look more closely at the duty of husbands and wives to
bring up their children faithfully. To begin, let us look at two Proverbs:
"Train
a child in the way lie should go, and when he is old he will not turn from
it." (Proverbs
22:6)
"Discipline
your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his
death." (Proverbs
19:18)
Three
thousand years have passed since Solomon wrote those words.
But
they are as true today as on the day he wrote them.
If
children are really well trained to walk in God's ways, they are not likely to
wander away when they are grown up. But they will not be well trained without
discipline - that is to say, firm rules, and punishment when they break them.
Discipline steers children towards God's everlasting kingdom. If there is no discipline,
children will only drift towards destruction and eternal death.
Whose
duty is it to pro\ ide training and discipline for the children? Is it a job
for the mother, or for the father? As we shall see from scripture the answer
is, both! This is such an important work that the husband and the wife must
each play a full part in it. Both should show by example that everything done
is based on the word of God, and the top priority must be the support of the
ecclesia - breaking of bread, Bible study, preaching efforts, fraternal
meetings etc. If available the children should attend Sunday School and Youth
Group, but parents must never forget that the primary responsibility for
teaching their children the ways of God rests with themselves, not the Sunday School
teachers or youth leaders.
"Unless
the LORD builds the house, its builders labour in vain. Unless the LORD watches
over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain ... Sons are a 'Heritage from
the LORD, children a reward from him " (Psalm 127:13)
The
psalmist is speaking here of building a family and unless this is done
following God's principles then ail our efforts will be in vain
One
of the greatest men who ever lived was Abraham. He is the only man in the Bible
that God refers to as His friend. This is what God said about Abraham:
"For
I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after
him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just." (Genesis
18:19)
So
it was Abraham's duty, as a godly father, to teach God's ways to his children.
There is a lesson here for all married brothers. If we are the spiritual sons
of Abraham, then we, like Abraham, must bring up our children to serve the
Lord.
The
story of Eli is a terrible warning to all those brothers who fail to discipline
their children. Eli was a high priest of Israel. His sons were priests in the
tabernacle, but they were thieves, blasphemers and fornicators. Eli was a weak
father. He said to his sons, "Why do you do such things?" But he did
nothing to stop them (1 Samuel 2:23). God decided to punish Eli for this. He
said:
"For
I told him that I would judge his family for ever because of the sin he knew
about; his sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain
them." (1
Samuel 3:13)
In
the New Testament, fathers are given their instructions very plainly:
"Fathers,
do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and
instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)
There
are two big lessons in that verse. First, it confirms what we have already
learnt: that fathers must discipline their children, and teach them to serve
the Lord. In addition, it tells us something new. It warns fathers not to
exasperate their children, which means to make their children angry. This is
excellent advice. It is very easy, when punishing a child, to make the child
angry.
How
can we avoid this mistake? Here are a few hints that will help.
They
do not come from the Bible, but are based on experience and common sense.
a)
Be friendly. Spend as much time as you can with your children. Be a good friend
to them. Then, when you have to punish them, they will know that you are doing
it because you love them, and not because you hate them.
b)
Be fair. Make sure that your children know exactly what they must do, and what
they must not do. Punish them for disobedience, for breaking the rules you have
given them. Do not punish them for making mistakes or for having an accident -
it's not fair to punish them when they are not to blame.
c)
&' m/m. Try not to punish a child while you are angry yourself. Make a big
effort to calm yourself, and then punish the child as gently as possible.
Otherwise, in your anger you are likely to sin against the child by venting
your anger upon it.
Mothers
also have a great responsibility to train their children. Here are two verses
that say so:
"The
rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his
mother." (Proverbs
29:15)
"So
I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their
homes." (1 Timothy 5:14)
Because
mothers spend so much time with their children, they often have more influence
on the children than the fathers do. We see this happening in the history of
the kings of Israel and Judah. Ahaz was a wicked king who worshipped idols. But
his son, Hezekiah, was a very good king who brought the nation back to God. Yet
good King Hezekiah's son, Manasseh, was even more wicked than his grandfather
Ahaz.
How
did it happen mat a wicked man had a very good son, and that good son had a
very wicked son? We do not know for sure, but we are given a hint. Hezekiah had
a mother called Abi, or Abijah; and Manasseh's mother was Hephzibah.
We
are not told what these women were like, but it may be that Abi was a good
woman who brought her son up well, and Hephzibah may have been a bad woman who
let her son grow up in wicked ways.
So
sisters have a great responsibility. Even if you are married to a bad husband,
as Abi may have been, you can still do as Abi did. You can teach your children
to serve the Lord, as Abi taught her son Hezekiah.
Every
Christadelphian family should have a daily time with God.
At
this time the father should lead his family in prayer. Those who can read
should take turns in reading aloud from the Bible. If nobody in the house can
read, perhaps a brother from another house could come in and rend for them.
If
some of the children are too young to understand a Bible reading, the mother or
father can tell them a simple Bible story before putting them to bed.
As
soon as they are old enough to benefit from it, the children should join in the
family's time with God. They should be taught that this is the most important
event in the day, and that it is a great privilege for them to take part in it.
Older
children should also be taught to say their own prayers each day, either in the
morning, or at bedtime, or at both these times.
Every
time the family sits down to a meal, the father (or some other senior person)
should lead the family in thanking God for the food. We read of Paul doing this
on a ship, in Acts 27:34,35.
Eventually
the children will become teenagers and grow into young single adults, and the
family's time with God will become even more important. At these times
especially, parents can provide spiritual help and support to these youngsters
in their practical difficulties, whilst doctrinal questions can also be
discussed.
Remember
that preaching is done as much by actions and way of life as by teaching
correct doctrines.
The
children must be taught about God's laws regarding sexual relations: that they
are only permitted in the marriage bond; not before marriage or outside
marriage, which is adultery.
When
families behave like this, the children will know that God and the Lord Jesus
Christ are a real power in their lives. They will grow up knowing that it is
good to serve the Lord.
They
will know that the scripture is true, when it says:
"The
LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is
good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to
bear the yoke while he is young." (Lamentations 3:25-27)
As
they grow up to be adults, we pray that they will want to accept the true
Gospel and be baptized, so that they become brothers and sisters of their
parents as well as their children.
In
time they will think about marriage partners and parents must be there to help
and advise them in this. Marriage should be only between baptised believers,
and not because they belong to the same earthly tribe or clan. At baptism
believers become part of spiritual Israel (Galatians 3:lh-29) and that is the
tribe they must marry into.
However,
it should be remembered that marriage and sex are not the most important things
in life. There is nothing wrong in staying single if you cannot find a baptized
believer. In fact/ you may be able to serve God more wholeheartedly as a single
person (see 1 Corinthians 7:32-35). There are many faithful brothers and
sisters who go through life without marriage or indulging in sex at all, but
rather devote themselves to seeking to do Cod's will instead of trying to find
a godly spouse. The Lord will remember such sacrifice for Him.
Grandparents
have a special responsibility in helping to train the young ones in the ways of
the Lord:
"Only
be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things
your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach
them to your children and to their children after them Remember the day you
stood before the LORD your God at Horeb, when he said to me, 'Assemble the
people before me to hear my words so that they may learn to revere me as long
as they live in the land and may teach them to their children/"
(Deuteronomy 4:9/10)
See
also Psalm 78:1-8.
Grandparents
often have more time and usually more patience than the parents and they must
use the precious time and opportunities given to them with their grandchildren.
For
those who do not have grandchildren of their own, there are usually plenty of
opportunities in the ecclesia where help and encouragement can be given to the
children growing up there.
Remember
that the ecclesia is a big family.
Widowhood
can be sad and lonely. Often it comes when we are old, but not always and many
have lost their partners when the family is still young. This is very hard and
the ecclesia must do all it can to help care for and support the bereaved
brother or sister and family. Paul says quite a lot about widows in 1 Timothy
5. In this passage he only seems to mention widowed sisters but widowed
brothers have just as many needs.
Read
how Paul describes the ecclesia as the body of Christ in 1 Corinthians 12:12-30
and how what happens to each individual member affects the whole ecclesia. We
must all be caring for each other's needs.
Paul
has some advice on remarriage for those who have been widowed in 1 Corinthians
7:
"A
woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she
is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. In my
judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is - and 1 think that I too have
the Spirit of God." (verses
39,40)
And
for younger widows he says:
"So
1 counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and
to give the enemy no opportunity for slander." (1 Timothy 5:14)
8 Polygamy
Polygamy
(the marriage of one man to two or more women) is wrong. People sometimes try
to justify polygamy by saying that men like Abraham and David in the Old
Testament had more than one wife. This is tine, but it does not follow that we
can do the same. Jesus set a very high standard concerning marriage. At the
same time he pointed out that his teaching was only a return to the high
standard that God appointed in the very beginning. As we said in chapter 1,
when God created a wife for Adam, He declared that the principle of marriage
was to be one man and one wife, coming together for life.
Later
on, God relaxed this law a little because of human weakness, but now, Jesus
indicated, the time had come to tighten up the law again. He said:
'"Haven't
you read ... that at the beginning the Creator "made them male and
female", and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother
and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh''? So they are no
longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not
separate." (Matthew
19:4-6; Genesis 2:24)
Marriage
was intended to be a joining together of two people: not three, or four, but
two - one man, and one wife. That is the law of Christ.
So
Christadelphians teach that a true believer should have only one wife. We teach
this because it is Bible teaching. When a man or a woman wishes to be baptized,
this teaching must be made very plain to them.
Bible
principles are quite simple and clear. But life is often very complicated.
Sometimes we find ourselves in a position where it is difficult to know what we
should do, because two different principles are involved, and one principle
pulls us in one direction while the other principle pulls us in the other
direction. This kind of situation arises when a polygamist is converted and
wants to be baptized. Should he put away all but one of his wives, or should he
keep them?
As
we have seen, God does not approve of polygamy But God does not approve of
putting away wives either! In fact, God says He hates putting away (Malachi
2:16). It is very painful for a wife to be put away and very bad for the
children when a marriage is broken up. In fact, it is because children need to
be brought up in a stable, godly home that God hates putting away. Malachi 2:15
indicates this.
Some
words of Paul to the Corinthians are helpful here:
"Nevertheless,
each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to
which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the
churches." (1
Corinthians 7:17)
He
was talking about whether a man was circumcised or not when God called him.
Then he went on to talk about whether a man was a slave or not and said much
the same thing:
"Brothers,
each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him
to." (1 Corinthians 7:24)
Both
of these situations, circumcision and slavery, were not easily altered and so
the command was to be baptized in the situation the person was in at the time.
Polygamy is also a situation which cannot be easily altered without much upset
to the family, and in this case, by going against another command of God
regarding putting away a wife.
So
when a polygamist wishes to be baptized, he should be clearly shown what the
Bible teaches about polygamy. If he agrees with this teaching, and promises not
to take any additional wives, he may be baptized. He should then be a good
husband to all his wives, and a good father to all his children.
But
he must not hold office in the ecclesia. In 1 Timothy 3:2, the Bible commands
that an elder must be the husband of one wife (the word "overseer" or
"bishop" in the English New Testament refers to elders; Acts 20 shows
this, for the same people who are called "bishops" or
"overseers" in the Greek of verse 28 are called "elders" in
verse 17).
9 - Divorce
SADLY,
marital problems are very frequent today and may happen to men and women who
are committed disciples of the Lord Jesus. We need to know what to do when they
occur and what the Bible teaches us about the breakdown of a marriage. The
first thing is to pray about it, and to keep on praying. Ideally we should do
this together with our husband or wife and we should pray as soon as we are
aware of any problem. It is also advisable to seek help from within the
ecclesia. This may be difficult but we should seek out a wise brother or sister
with whom we can share the burden of our problem and who can help us see the
right thing to do. If there is no one locally who can help, then it may be
possible to write to a brother or sister in another country for advice.
"To
the married I give this command (not 1, but the Lord): A wife must not separate
from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be
reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife." (1
Corinthians 7:10,11)
This
passage (a command from the Lord) clearly teaches that, for brothers and
sisters in Christ, divorce is contrary to his commandments and that remarriage
to another partner should be out of the question.
We
have seen in Matthew 19:5,6 that God intended marriage to be the union of one
man and one woman for life, and from Malachi 2:15,16 that God hates divorce; so
as a general rule the Bible forbids brothers and sisters in Christ to divorce
their partners and remarry someone else. Is there any exception to this general
rule?
Some
sincere Christadelphians feel that in Matthew's Gospel the Lord Jesus Christ
makes an exception and permits divorce for marital unfaithfulness, although
others, just as sincere, feel that because of the original word used, Jesus is
only referring to the betrothal period before the marriage was consummated
(e.g. Mary was found to be with child during the betrothal period with Joseph -
Matthew 1:18,19). On two occasions Jesus said:
"Anyone
who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another
woman commits adultery." (Matthew 19:9) Similar thoughts are expressed in
slight!}' different words in Matthew 5:32. lust how these words are interpreted
becomes a matter of individual conscience and we must prayerfully decide for
ourselves what they mean for us and how we interpret them.
If
we believe that Jesus docs not forbid divorce for unfaithfulness in a
consummated marriage, then we must go about it in as Christlike a way as
possible. In other words, we must not divorce our partner as soon as the
adultery is committed. That would he quite contrary to his caching. It is our duty
to be patient, gentle and forgiving We must even love our enemies.
So
if, for example, a brother's wife commits adultery, he must do all in his power
to win her back to him. And he must do this in a spirit of humility and
kindness, not behaving like a judge.
First,
he should ask himself, "Is it partly my own fault that my wife has sinned?
Have I done something that has provoked her into doing this?" Usually, if
a man is really honest with himself, he will realise that he has not been a
perfect husband. He will think of ways in which he might have treated his wife
better, and he will want to be a better husband in future.
In
this humble spirit he should try to persuade his wife to repent and to return
to him. If she does, he should take her back and forgive her. Afterwards he
should never talk about the sin she once committed. True forgiveness menus
forgetting the past.
Even
if she refuses to repent, he must not give up. He must keep trying to regain
his wife for a long time (see the example of Hosea in Hosea 1-3).
Only
when it is quite certain that she will not repent should he give up trying. For
example, if she joins herself firmly to another man and has children by him,
then her former husband must face the sad fact that his marriage has completely
broken down.
What
should he do then? Without any doubt, the Bible principles we have looked at
tell us that he should remain unmarried for the rest of his life. By so doing
he would show that he respects these principles of Christian marriage: one man,
joined to one woman, for a whole lifetime.
Unfortunate!},
many men are not strong enough to stand the strain of living without a wife for
the rest of their lives. This seems to be why Jesus makes his exception. He
understands our human weakness, and he does not put upon us a burden so heavy
that we cannot bear it.
So
a brother whose adulterous wife has left him long ago and will not come back is
given leave to take another wife. He is not advised to do so, because it would
be better if he did not, but the Lord recognises his weakness and his need to
marry again if he cannot manage without a wife. Similarly, a woman whose
adulterous husband has left her permanently may also be given leave to marry
again, although the ideal is to remain unmarried.
The
course of action described above is based on scriptural principles. However the
twenty-first century has brought with it a deadly twist to the dilemma of a
brother or sister facing the problems of an unfaithful spouse. This is the
widespread occurrence of people who are H!V positive or who have fully
developed AIDS. There will be the strong possibility that your unfaithful
partner has now been infected with this virus.
It
your partner repents and wants to come back, you may feel you wish them to have
an AIDS test. The best way to achieve this is for you to go with your partner
and for you both to have the test. If the results are negative for you but
positive for your partner, then you both have some big decisions to make,
prayerfully taking into account the following points:
1.
If you take your partner back you will almost certainly become infected,
leading to an untimely death.
2.
Any future children will probably be infected, therefore no more children
should be conceived.
3.
Practising so-called "safe sex" (using a condom) is not entirely
safe.
4.
Bearing the above in mind there is one possible solution that could be better
than remaining entirely alone. The couple could remain together as companions for
each other in all the daily family life; they could support and care for each
other into old age but not have any sexual relations. This would be very
difficult to do, but with our Heavenly Father's help and guidance it could be
the answer to a desperate situation.
5.
If couples divorce then the ideal state is to remain unmarried for the rest of
their lives - there should be no remarriage to another partner.
6.
Remember that following true repentance all sins can be forgiven. However, the
consequences of our sins may remain with us for the rest of our lives and we
must cope with these in as godly a way as possible,
10 Bride Price
The
custom of paying bride price is very ancient. It was practised by the children
of Israel (see Genesis 24:53; 29:20; 34:12; Exodus 22.16,17; Deuteronomy
22:28,29; 1 Samuel 18:22-27). But it seems to have ceased in Bible lands by the
time of Jesus Christ.
There
is no evidence that it was practised in the early church, and it is not
mentioned in the New Testament. However, it is still widely practised in
Africa, but experience shows that it is a custom which human nature easily
abuses.
Bride
price often causes unhappiness and sin. Here are a few of the problems that can
arise out of this custom:
1. Bride price is looked upon as the purchase price for a bride.
As
a result the wife is treated as a slave who has been bought and is owned by her
husband and considered inferior to him. This is wrong and against the
scriptural principle of a wife being a partner who should be loved and
respected by her husband (see chapter 1).
2. It causes a girl to be valued in monetary terms.
For
example, a girl with a good education or possessing a professional
qualification may have a very high bride price. But these qualities in
Christian terms are meaningless. The inward beauty of a Christlike character is
what matters most (see "Inward Beauty", page 17).
3. Parents think of the marriage of their daughters only as a means of
getting money.
It
is a commonly held opinion in some countries that a man with many daughters
will gain a lot of money from bride price payments. This is not the right
attitude for Christians. Our daughters are not for buying and selling. The
Bible shows that children are a blessing from God (Psalm 127:5). If daughters
are brought up to obey the Lord and become sisters in Christ, then their
husbands should be faithful brothers in Christ and they should marry because
they are genuinely in love with each other.
4. It is looked upon as payment for work done in bringing up a daughter.
If
children are a blessing from God then we must be ready to do the work of
looking after them without thinking of payment. We are stewards of God's
children and He gives children to parents, expecting they will bring the
children up to love Him. Thinking about getting a bride price as pay for work
well done does not agree with the Bible teaching on selfless love. One wonders
why parents want to get paid for bringing up their daughters and not for
bringing up their sons'
5. It is looked upon as compensation for the loss of a family worker.
We
must remember that we do not own our children - they are given to us on trust
from God to bring up to love Him.
6. A high bride price can cause immoral behaviour.
If
a young man is not able to find the money for the bride price, he may think
about sleeping with the girl so that she becomes pregnant and this will force
them to get married. This sort of behaviour is absolutely against Bible
teaching and not the way to start a true marriage (see chapter 3 - "Courtship").
7. A poor family with a beautiful daughter can be tempted to marry her
to the highest bidder.
This would not be right because if she
has been brought up in a Christian way she will want to marry a man who is
godly and a fellow believer. By selling her to the highest bidder, it is
unlikely that the right kind of husband will be found for her.
Instead,
she should be encouraged to obtain a husband who will be a real help to her in
her walk towards God's kingdom. You should also remember the commandment:
"Fathers,
do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." (Colossians
3:21)
You
will certainly break this commandment if you force your daughter to marry an
unsuitable rich man (see also Appendix 4).
From
the above examples it will be realised that the sooner the custom of bride
price is given up within the Christadelphian community the better. We should
concentrate on making sure our daughters marry suitable partners in the Lord
rather than on how much we can get for them.
11 - A Final Word
Many
problems will arise that are not mentioned in this booklet. Brothers and
sisters with difficult marriage problems would be wise to seek advice and help
from the elders of their ecclesia.
If
they live far away from an ecclesia in isolation they can always write to some
experienced brother or sister about their problems. Or they can wait until a
Christadelphian elder comes to visit them, and then ask for his help.
1. I am told that a Christadelphian ought to marry someone of the same
faith. There is no Christadelphian girl available for me to marry what should I
do? (This answer can also be applied in principle to a Christadelphian sister
seeking a husband.)
Yes,
you are right. A Christadelphian man ought to marry a Christadelphian woman.
The
Bible teaches that a believer ought not to many an unbeliever. From reading 2
Corinthians 6:14,15 you will see that if you do, you will be joining yourself
to her and thus separating yourself from the body of Christ.
If
you cannot find a Christadelphian girl to marry, then there are a number of
steps you can take:
*
As with all the problems of life you should pray about it and believe in faith
that God will guide you.
*
Some men and women, who cannot find a wife or husband who share their beliefs,
are able to remain unmarried for all of their lives. They do this in response
to the teaching of Jesus in Matthew 19:12. Jesus recognised that this is a very
difficult thing to ask and his words tell us the divine ideal in this situation
rather than a commandment to all disciples.
*
if you need a wife then you must do what is possible to find a God-fearing
woman to marry. In some countries it is possible for a young man to meet a
young woman in an innocent way, and talk to her. If your country is like this,
perhaps you could, teach a young woman the Gospel and then, after she is
baptized, you could marry her. There are dangers with this, particularly if the
woman is a member of another church. There is a risk that she may draw you away
from the true Gospel and your beliefs into her own church. These things need to
be very carefully prayed about and talked through together before any
commitment to marriage. If you still cannot find a suitable girl then you must
wait patiently until the Lord, who knows all our needs, causes circumstances to
change so that you are brought into contact with a suitable Christadelphian
sister. This may seem hard but look at the warnings given in Section 2,
'Preparing for Marriage" and Section 3, "Courtship".
2. My elder brother has just died, and according to the custom of my
tribe it is my duty to marry the widow. Should I do so?
It
all depends. If you are not married already it she is a sister in Christ, and
if she is a suitable person for you to marry, there is no reason why you should
not marry her (the answer to the previous question will help you to see what is
meant by 'suitable').
It
you are already married, or if she is not a suitable person to become the wife
of a Christadelphian, you should disregard the custom of your tribe, and refuse
to marry her.
3. My wife is barren. My friends tell me that this is because God has
cursed her. Is this true?
No.
Barrenness could almost be called a form of illness, like being blind or lame.
As with other forms of illness, it comes upon both good people and bad people.
The Old Testament tells us about Job. He was afflicted with a terrible illness.
His friends said that this was God's way of punishing him for being sinful, but
they were wrong. Job was a very good man, and although he had to suffer, God
was not cursing him. So it is wrong to think that God is not blessing a
childless marriage. There are many good Christian couples that are unable to
have children, but God blesses them in other ways.
A
true Bible believer will never despise a childless wife. Her husband ought to
love her just as much as if she had borne him children (see 1 Samuel 1:8). Her
parents and her friends should be sympathetic and kind to her, and not treat
her as if she had done wrong. She is not to blame for her childlessness, any
more than a sick man is to blame for his sickness.
Because
barrenness is a kind of illness it can sometimes be cured. It is important for
you and your wife to visit a hospital. The doctors there may be able to find
the cause of the barrenness (which may lie in either your wife's body or your
own) and treat it (see "Barrenness", page 21).
4. I have been married several years and my wife is barren. It is n
terrible thing to be childless. Can I take another wife who will give me a son?
No,
Bible teaching forbids you to do this. You must be content with the wife you
have. It is much worse to be a eunuch than to have a barren wife, and yet God
has said:
"Let
not any eunuch complain, I am only a dry tree'. For this is what the LORD says:
To the eunuchs who ... hold fast to my covenant – to them I will give within my
temple and its walls a memorial and a name better than sons and. daughters: 1
will give them an everlasting name that will not be cut off."' (Isaiah 56:3-5)
In
other words, the place in God’s kingdom that He offers you is worth more than
all the children in the world. But if you still want children in this life you
should adopt a child that has lost its parents, and bring up that child as if
he or she were your own. Also
remember that barrenness is sometimes the problem of the husband, not of the wife
(see 3 above).
5. I am the only son of my father, and he insists I should put away my
barren wife and take another, because he wants to see his line carried on
through me. Should I obey my father?
No,
not in this case. The Bible commands, "Honour \our rather and your
mother", and this means that generally we should obey our fathers. But when
a father commands us to do something forbidden by the Bible, then we must disobey
that father, and instead obey our Heavenly Father. Jesus said:
"Anyone
who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me." (Matthew
10:37)
6. My wife has just given birth and according to the custom of my child
I must not have sex with her again until the child is two years old. Should I
obey this custom?
No.
It is a bad custom, based upon a pagan superstition. It puts men under a great strain,
and causes many men to fall into sin. Because of temptations that arise when
married couples abstain from sex for a long time, the Bible forbids them to do
so:
"Do
not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may
devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not
tempt you because of your lack of self- control." (1 Corinthians 7:5)
For
medical reasons couple should not have sex from a number of weeks before the
expected birth of a child until a number of weeks after the birth. Otherwise
the wife can catch an infection that may endanger her life, but when the child
is six weeks old it is quite safe and right for the couple to resume a normal
sex life. The belief that this will affect the milk is quite wrong.
It
would probably benefit both the health of the mother and the child it another
baby is not born within two years of the first. This should be a matter or birth
control though not a matter of abstaining from sex altogether.
7. My wife has died. Is it right for me to marry a second wife?
Yes.
Polygamy is wrong, but it is not polygamy for a man to marry a man when his
first wife is dead. God says that you may marry again if you wish. A woman also
is free to marry again if her husband dies. But remember that the Bible
commands you to choose a sister in Christ for your new wife (1 Corinthians 7:39).
1. My mother taught me that only bad women get pleasure out of sex but I
enjoy having sex with my husband. Is there something wrong with me?
No,
there is nothing wrong with you. Your mother taught you wrongly. Just as God gave
us a sense of taste to enjoy eating so He made the bodies of both men and women
that they obtain pleasure from sex. To enjoy this pleasure outside of marriage
is a great sin, but to enjoy it inside marriage is right and proper.
God
has made it plain that He wants Christian wives to enjoy sex as well as their
husbands. Indeed. He commands Christian husbands to help their wives to obtain
full enjoyment from the sex act:
"The
husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to
her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her
husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but
also to his wife." (1 Corinthians 7:3,4)
2. My husband beats me, and our children. Should I run away?
Not
unless he makes life very hard indeed for you. If you did leave him, you would
not be free to marry another man. You should pray that God will help you and
your husband to live more peaceably together, and you should do your best to be
forgiving and obedient towards your husband.
Do
not take your husband to the local court. The Bible says it is wrong for
believers to go to law (1 Corinthians 6:1-7). If you want someone to judge
between you and your husband, you should go to the elders of your ecclesia. They
may be able to help restore peace to your marriage (see "Good Wives and
Bad Husbands", page 16).
3. My husband says he intends to take a second wife. What should I do?
Try
to persuade him, humbly and gently, that it would be wrong in the sight of God
for him to take another wife. Seek the advice and help of the eiders of your
ecclesia. If your husband rejects your advice and fakes a second wife, do not
leave him (see also the answer to Question 4).
4. I am the junior wife of an unbelieving polygamist. My husband is
willing for me to be baptized, but will not divorce me. What should I do?
Stay
with your husband and apply for baptism. Your relationship with your husband is
not an ideal one, but it is not your fault if your husband does not want to
release you. The ecclesia would not refuse you baptism on account of this
situation, over which you have no control. Although your husband is having
sex with more than one woman, you yourself are only having sex with
one man - your husband - and so you are doing no wrong.
5. My husband died soon after we were married and left no children.
According to local custom it is my duty to have sex with one of his relatives,
and so raise up a child in my dead husband's name. Should I do this?
No.
Like many human customs this is wicked. If you follow this custom you will be
committing fornication and sinning against God. If your late husband's
relatives press you to follow this custom you should seek the help of the
elders of your ecclesia.
Although
this custom sounds similar to the Old Testament commandment under the Law of
Moses, for a married man who died childless, the difference was that his
brother (or nearest kinsman) would marry the dead man's wife to raise up
children to carry on the dead man's name. However, it was a commandment under
the Old Covenant, and so is not necessary to be kept by those who are in
Christ.
6. My husband is working away from home. 1 have become pregnant by
another man. My friend has offered to give me an abortion. Should I accept
this?
No.
You have already committed the sin of adultery. If you try to hide your sin by
having an abortion you will not deceive God. You would only be sinning a second
time. Also you would be risking your health. Many women are made ill through
having abortions, and some die.
Instead,
you should confess your sin to your husband. Tell him that you are ashamed,
that you repent, and promise never to commit adultery again. Then ask him to
forgive you.
You
should also confess to the elders of your ecclesia, and ask (hem to pray for
you. They may perhaps suspend you from membership for a time, until they are
sure that your repentance is sincere.
Also,
you should confess to God, and ask Him to forgive you. Remember that no sin is
too bad to be forgiven, provided that we are truly repentant. God will help you
to repent and to be a good wife in future, if you are truly sorry and if you
pray for His help (see also "Abortion" on page 21 and
"AIDS" on page 30).
Appendix 3 - Some Parents’ Problems
1. Should I circumcise my sons?
In
the sight of God it does not matter whether you do or not. There is no harm in
it, but there is no good in it either (except on rare occasions when a doctor
advises it for medical reasons). The children of Israel were commanded to
circumcise their sons (see Leviticus 12:1-3), but the-New Testament says
plainly that Christians need not do this (see Acts 15:1-20; 1 Corinthians
7:18,19).
In
some countries, such as Kenya, it is the custom for all boys to be circumcised
at birth, and it is illegal to forbid this. In such countries Christadelphians
may circumcise their baby boys. As a practical guide, all such circumcisions
should be carried out by a medical specialist, ideally in a hospital.
In
other countries, such as Malawi, boys are often circumcised when they approach
the age of puberty, and circumcision is then accompanied by evil pagan
ceremonies. Christadelphians should not take part in these wicked practices.
2. Should I circumcise my daughters?
No.
This is a cruel and wicked custom that is practised in many parts of Africa and
elsewhere. But it was unknown to the children of Israel, and therefore it is a
mistake to apply the Bible name circumcision to it.
The
proper name of this operation is clitorectomy. It consists of cutting away that
part of a woman's sexual organs from which she derives most pleasure.
You
will see why this is wrong if you read the answer to Question 1 in Appendix 2.
God intended women to have pleasure from sex, just as much as men. By
performing this operation on girls you rob them of a precious gift that God has
given them.
3.
The custom in my tribe is for parents to arrange marriages for their children
while they are still very young. Should I follow this custom?
No
It is the duty of parents to help their children find suitable wives and
husbands. You cannot hope to do this unless you wait until the children are
grown up. Then, if your children accept the Truth, you will want to find
marriage partners in the Truth for them.
4.
I am the head of an important family, and I want my children to marry people in
my own class, but all the other young Christadelphians in this district are
from poor families. What should I do?
Read
James 2:1-9. This says it is wrong for a Christian to be concerned about the
social standing of another Christian whether he is rich or poor. Among
unbelievers it is natural for a rich man to despise the poor, but it should not
be like that in Christ. A Christian is commanded to love a!! his brothers,
whether they are rich or poor (see form 15-12).
The
Gospel is worth more than all the money in the world. Therefore it is better
for your son or daughter to marry a poor Christadelphian than a rich
unbeliever.
5.
In my village when children reach marriageable age the local people arrange ceremonies
of celebration. Should I let my children take part in these ceremonies?
No.
These ceremonies all have a pagan origin. A Christian should have nothing to do
with them.
6.
My son (who is a Christadelphian) is about to be married (to a Christadelphian
girl). I live in isolation so I cannot arrange for him to have a wedding
ceremony in a Christadelphian ecclesial hall. Should I arrange for a wedding in
accordance with traditional native custom? Or should he get married in the
local Methodist church?
No.
You should not do either of these things. A wedding according to native custom
would be wrong, because it is based on pagan superstition. So would a wedding
in an ordinary church, because that would be accepting false doctrine. Some
think that a marriage is not pleasing to God unless it takes place in a church
building. This is quite wrong.
Help
your son to understand that a formal wedding ceremony is not essential All that
is needed is for the bride and bridegroom to declare before witnesses that they
are becoming man and wife. Also, if the laws of your country provide for it,
you should register the marriage at the government office.
Later
on, perhaps your son and his wife will visit a town where there is a
Christadelphian ecclesia. Then he can ask the elders of that ecclesia to hold a
simple service, where the brothers and sisters can pray for God's blessing on
his marriage. If this is not possible, you could offer such prayers yourself.
Or you could wait until a Christadelphian elder comes to your town on a visit,
and then ask him to pray for your son and his wife.
7.
I have a daughter of marriageable age, but no sons and my wife is past
childbearing. According to local custom I should keep my daughter at home,
allow her to have sex with some man until she becomes pregnant, and so let her
raise a son in my name. Is this right?
No.
This is another wicked custom of pagan origin. If you follow this custom you
will make your daughter a fornicator, and thus you will sin grievously against
God and against your daughter.
Appendix 4 – Some Problems arising from Bride Price
1.
In my country bride price is so high that a young man cannot afford to marry
until he is about 30 years old. That is why nearly all the young men my age are
fornicators. How can I go without sex until I am 30?
By
prayer and help from God. If you can take your problem to the Lord in prayer,
He will give you extra strength. With God's help you will be surprised how
strong you can become. You should also throw yourself wholeheartedly into the
work of the Lord Jesus Christ, as in this work you are much more likely to find
a Christadelphian girl who is right for you, and whose parents will not exact
an unaffordable bride price.
2.
Since I gave up fornication I have sometimes given myself relief from sexual
tension by handling my own sex organ. My friend says that this is as bad as
fornication and I may as well go back to casual sex. Is this true?
No,
it is not true. You would do well to avoid this habit (which is called
masturbation) if you can, but it is not a terrible sin like fornication, and it
is not directly condemned anywhere in the Bible. At all costs a Christian must
avoid fornication and adultery, because no immoral person (i.e. one who commits
fornication or adultery) has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of
God (Ephesians 5:5). Do not let any friend tempt you back into fornication, for
in that way lies eternal death.
3.
My wife has gone with another man and he has offered to repay me her bride
price. Should I accept it?
No.
Your duty is to try and win back your wife, and if she repents, to forgive her
and receive her again as your wife. You must not just cast her off and accept
the return of her bride price. Your situation is a difficult and unhappy one.
You would be wise to seek the advice of the elders of your ecclesia. They may
be able to help reconcile your wife to you. However, she may have become
infected with AIDS (see page 30 regarding AIDS).
1.
Christadelphians do not have sex unless and until they are married, and those
who want to become Christadelphians do not do so either. Sex is a blessing
within marriage.
2.
Christadelphians who are married should love their wife or husband and have sex
only with their own wife or husband, showing consideration for one another in
this, as in all matters.
3.
Christadelphians do not live with someone to whom they are not married. Those
who have been living with a woman or man without being married must put the
matter right as soon as they learn the Truth. They cither stop their old way of
life complete!}', or else get properly married and then remain faithful to
their lawful wife or husband.
4.
Christadelphians do not commit acts of homosexuality. Our men and boys do not
have sex with other men or boys, and our women and girls do not have sex with
other women or girls.
5.
Christadelphian parents do not have sex with their children, and
Christadelphian young people do not allow their parents or other relations to
have sex with them.
These
are rules, and we do not have the right to break them and still expect to live
in fellowship with other Christadelphians. If a member has broken these rules,
he or she must not wait to be found out, but must put the matter right
immediately. It is best, too, to confess to the sin before an elder of his or
her Christadelphian meeting.
If
a member is committing any of these sins and does not intend to give them up,
the right course is to stop calling himself or herself a Christadelphian, and
to leave the community. Once again, the wrongdoer should not wait to be found
out.
If
it seems that any of our members are living in this way, it is the duty of the
elders of their ecclesia to make sure of the facts as kindly as possible, going
straight to those concerned and not listening to, or encouraging gossip.
If
as a result of this firm but gentle discussion, confession is made, and a
promise to stop this way of life immediately is given, then the repentance
should be accepted unless there is clear evidence that the promise is not being
kept.
But
if there is no repentance, or no promise of reform, or the promise is broken,
there is no doubt what must be done. The offenders should, be withdrawn from by
their ecclesia, and not allowed to return until it is clear that they have
repented and reformed their behaviour.
What
you have just read does not mean that bad sex is the only sin, or even
necessarily the worst sin, that people can commit. We should all consider our
own lives and think about the sins that God knows about, even though our
brothers and sisters do not.
None
of us should think he or she is better than those who commit the sins of bad
sex: God alone can judge such matters. But, all the same, we have a duty to
maintain right standards, and the things written here must be taken seriously.
They
should be part of the rule of life for Christadelphian ecclesias everywhere.
We
must also remember that we have a duty to set a good example to our families,
and to our non-Christadelphian friends and neighbours, so that the work of the
ecclesia will uphold the standards of the Bible (2 Corinthians 6:3).
Finally,
sympathy, understanding, and help must be readily offered to our brothers,
sisters, and young people, when we know that they are tempted to commit sins of
this, or any other kind. Those who are or have been guilty should not be afraid
to confess, and those who get to know about their sins should show compassion,
and the kind of forgiveness that they themselves hope to receive from God.
Everything
possible must be done in love to help to get the sinners on the right road
again. But no one should think that the sins would be tolerated in a
Christadelphian community. If this awakens anyone to the knowledge that things
have been allowed which are contrary to the Gospel of the Lord, there is no
time to be lost.
Perhaps
we should remember that when Paul required the Corinthians to withdraw
fellowship from the sinful man in their midst, he described it as handing this
man over to Satan; that is, to put him out of the ecclesia to show that his
sinful behaviour must stop, in the hope that his spirit might be saved in the
day of the Lord - at the Judgement to come (1 Corinthians 5:5). They were to
cut him off until he repented.
But
when he really did repent, they were to receive him back with gladness:
"The
punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient for him, Now instead,
you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by
excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him." (2 Corinthians 2:6-8)
That
is what we have to strive for: faithfulness in condemning the sin, indeed, but
glad restoration and forgiveness when repentance follows. And may the Lord look
on all of us with just such mercy when he comes, that our spirit, too, may be
saved in the day of the Lord.
PAUL
AND ELISABETH GENDERS
Abortion....................................................................................................21,
38
Abraham
................................................... ...... ...............7,12,
13, 18, 23, 27
Adam
......................................................................................
.....3, 5, 7, 19, 27
Adultery
.....................................................................5, 16, 25,
29, 30, 38, 41
AIDS....................................................
...........................1, 6, 10, 11, 30, 38, 41
AIDS
test.......................................................................................................11,
31
Baptism
................................................................................................9,
25, 37
Barrenness
............................................. ...............
...............................21, 35
Bible
reading .....................................................................................12,
24, 25
Birth
control..............................................................................................20,
36
Bride
price ........................................................................11,
31, 32, 33, 40, 41
Children..............................................l3,15,
17, 18, 20, 21, 22, 35, 38, 39, 42
bringing
up ......................................................................22,
23, 24, 25, 32
HIV
positive........................................................................................11,
31
in
broken families
....................................................................................28
Christ
..............................................................................6,
9, 10,17,18, 25, 34
head
of church
......................................................................................4,
14
head
of the house
....................................................................................14
Circumcision
............................................................................................38,
39
Clitorectomy
.................................................................................................39
Communication
.............................................................................................6
Daughters
of men
............................................................................................7
David
........................................................................................................12,27
Discipline..................................................................................................22.
23
Divorce....................................................................................16,
28, 29, 31, 37
for
barrenness
..........................................................................................21
hated
by
Cod........................................................................................4,
29
Eli
.................................................................................................................
..23
Eunuch
............................................................................................................35
Eve
....................................................................................................3,
5, 17, 19
Family
providing
for ....... ................
...................................................................19
time
with God ...... . .............. .................................................
................24
Family
pressure ................. ..... ....... .............
.................................................9
Fathers...
........... .... .. ........... .. .....................................12, 13,
23, 24, 33, 36
duties
of ........................ .............. ......... ...... ......... ......
................23
Forgiveness..........
.... ................... ............... .... .. .........................30,
43
Fornication...........
.......................................... ..............................5, 10,
38, 41
Godly
children ........... ............. ............. .........
........................................4, 22
Grandparents
................................... ...........................................................26
Head-covering........................
.................................................. ....................17
Helper...............................................................................................2,
3, 14, 17
helping
with Ministry
............................................................................17
Husband
..................2, 3, 4, 5, 8, 15, 16, 17, 27, 29, 30, 32, 34, 36, 37, 38, 41
duties
of ........................................................................................18,
19, 22
faithful..............................................
........................................................... 5
head
of wife ..........................................................................................4,
14
the
bad ...........................
....................................................................16, 37
the
good
..............................................................................................18,19
Immorality.....
........................................................................................6,
9, 32
Inward
beauty ........
.......................................................................................17
Isaac
. ................. ....................................................................
.............7, 12, 13
joint
Heirs of Eternal Life ...........
.................................................................3
Loyalty
to God ................................................................................................8
Marriage
arranged
................ .............
....................................................................39
Christ
and the Church ............................... .............
................................4
communication
in.
...............................................................................
..6
for
life ...
.........................................................................
..........5. 14, 27, 29
ordained
by God ................................................ ......
...................... .....3
preparing
fur ...............................................................
................. .......7
the
meaning of....................... ................. ........ ............ ......
... ..... ... ... ..2
Mothers,
duties of ..................... ......... ... .................. ... . .............
..................24
One
flesh
..................................................................................2,
3, 4, 5, 10, 27
Pagan
superstition
..................................................................................36,
40
Pharisees............................................................................................................2
Polygamy......................................................................................27,
28, 36,37
conversion
................................................................................................27
Prayer
....................................12, 13, 14, 17, 18, 19, 24, 25, 28, 34, 37,
38, 40
Putting
away
..................................................................................................28
Rebekah
....................................................................................................13,14
Self-controlled
................................................................................................15
Sex............................................................................................l,
2, 5, 36, 37, 41
before
marriage ..................................................................................10,
25
casual
..................................................................................................10,41
like
a fire......................................................................................................5
Single
........................................................................................................25,26
Sons
of God
......................................................................................................7
Teenagers
........................................................................................................25
Two
become One
............................................................................................2
Unbelievers
....................................................................8, 9, 13,
16, 19, 34, 39
Unmarried
....................................................................................29,
30, 31, 34
Washing
feet ..............................................................................................4,
18
Widowhood
....................................................................................................26
Widows
..............................................................................................24,26,27
Wife..........................................................................................................2,
3, 41
choosing
a..................................................................................................
11
duties
of
....................................................................................................22
gift
from God
...........................................................................................
12
the
bad ......................................................................................................19
the
good
.................................................................................
............15, 16
Wives
duties of ..............................................................................................14
CBM
2003